If teachers made films they’d probably be the best in the world. There’s no element of modern life we haven’t encountered. But marking, planning and teaching take up too much of our time, so we’ll have to leave the cinematic shenanigans to the film industry. If we were let loose in Hollywood, however, here’s a selection of the titles we might come up with…
Forrest Grump
In which we follow the fortunes of a bad-tempered teacher, Mr Forrest, who is sick of the politics and policies of his school. He decides to leave teaching and run across the country, allowing his hair and beard to grow wild as he runs.
Teachers Assemble
In which a crack-team of the world’s best teachers unite to fight a common enemy, using their super-powers of Unabating Patience, Unyielding Discipline, Exemplary Marking and Innovative Planning to smash the foe and bring peace to teaching once more.
Mrs Jones and the Last Crusade
In which Mrs Jones, a beleaguered English teacher, tries to get her class of reluctant boys to engage with pre-19th century love poetry: the holy grail of English-teaching.
The Silence of Exams
In which a group of teachers enjoy the quiet of exams after a hectic few months of revision, by sitting down to a dinner of liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Moderator
In which a cyborg moderator arrives from the future with details of a new exam specification. Driven insane by the introduction of yet another set of changes which requires them to adapt all their resources, teachers vow to destroy the Skyteach system before it can take over the world.
ET – the Extra Time
In which a teacher fights for a new student to get extra time in his forthcoming GCSE exams. The student, a short boy with an unusually long middle-finger, is extremely shy and reluctant to talk, until he is befriended by another student, Eliot.
The Good, The Bad and The Ofsted Inspection
In which we follow a new teacher through the highs and lows of teaching, culminating in a detailed action sequence featuring the arrival of a team of Ofsted Inspectors. Not for the faint-hearted, this film carries an 18-rating.
Cry Hard
In which a teacher discovers that her Year Ten class still won’t use capital letters for names. Shattered by the realisation, she takes refuge in her store cupboard with a box of tissues.
Write Club
In which an enthusiastic NQT starts up an extracurricular club for students to experiment with creative writing. It all starts well, until the NQT realises that every single student just wants to write a zombie horror story which ends and then they woke up and realised it was all a dream.
The Dark Night
In which a teacher discovers they must stay up all night to finish a particularly gruelling stack of mock exam marking. As they get further into the pile of papers and realise that not one student has paid attention to the exam prep, they spiral into an existential crisis. What am I doing wrong? Why won’t they listen? Where’s the gin?