Unless your school has found a magic money tree and invested in some mega-efficient report writing software, chances are you’re gonna be cutting and pasting like mad over the next few weeks. Our Bank of Statements Spreadsheets might ease the pain a little; even the freestylers who like to personalise every report should be able to find some useable stock phrases in there.

The standard of report writing has certainly risen since the pithy one-liner I received in Year Ten English: ‘He is an able pupil.’ With such words of motivation, is it any wonder that I was inspired to become an English teacher too?! In fairness to that mid-nineties report writer, at least he got the gendered pronoun correct, although I suspect that could only be said of approximately half the class!

The above observation was gained from a nostalgic perusal of my immaculately-maintained maroon, faux-leather National Record of Achievement, shortly before it was junked (which is what will likely happen far sooner to the commentaries you’re slaving over, so please don’t devote too much time to unsolicited correspondence destined for the recycling bin)! As I decluttered the cabinet to make way for more teaching texts and keepsakes, it got me thinking: what would a school report about teachers say?

Write one for your school bestie using the statement banks below…

OUTCOMES

• [Insert name]’s classroom management [is outstanding/is good/requires improvement].
• Books are always marked [promptly/late].
• The standard of marking is [thorough/shoddy].
• [His/her] relationships with pupils are [exemplary/a cause for concern].
• [His/her] relationships with colleagues are [exemplary/a cause for concern].
• [His/her] target results are [achievable/challenging/totally unrealistic].

EFFORT

• [Insert name] works too hard.
• [His/Her] school work is affected by stress; [he/she] should take steps to manage this better.
• [He/She] needs to learn when to call it a day; I do not wish to see [him/her] on site past 5.30pm.
• [He/She] should spend more time on extra-curricular activities.
• [His/Her] dedication to the task is commendable but is a threat to [his/her] health and long-term productivity.
• I recommend that [he/she] learns to take things a little easier.

BEHAVIOUR

• [Insert name] is a [joy/pain in the backside] to be around.
• [He/She] treats work [way too seriously/as a means of paying bills].
• In meetings, they [listen attentively/have a tendency to daydream/constantly take the piss].
• Around school, they [keep their head down/are a model to others/wreak havoc].
• School attire is [studiously chic/smart-casual/wild and unkempt].
• To further [his/her] career, [he/she] needs to [speak up more/learn when to shut up].

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